I wanted that baby
by AAB
Summary: Mac visits Harm one night and she is sad


_Disclaimer: Non of the characters is mine, just playing with them  
_

**I wanted that baby  
**

Harm had just come home and dropped his cover and a stack of files. His loft was silent and felt empty. With a sigh he flopped down on the couch wondering what he should do with his evening.  
He missed company, someone to talk to, someone to hang out with. To be honest, not that he particular wanted to be honest, he missed Mac.  
His stomach alerted him to the fact lunch had been several hours ago. Not much in for cooking he decided to defrost some spaghetti sauce. He just put the container into the microwave when there was a knock on the door. With a sigh he headed for the door but both his face and his mood lit up when he saw who was knocking: Mac and he was quick to invite her in. She hesitated though.  
"Renée not here?"  
"No," he answered. And muttered under his breath "and she won't be here again."  
Mac didn't comment, instead she walked in, shrugged off her coat and kicked her shoes off. Then she sat down on the couch, her feet tucked under her, saying nothing. She looked sad. Harm was confused by her behaviour but decided not to push. After a while he broke the silence with "Did you have dinner already?"  
She shook her head "no."  
"I was just making some pasta. Want some?"  
The answer was a silent nod.  
While Harm busied himself with the preparing of the meal, Mac rose and wandered through his apartment, aimlessly picking up items and photo's and putting them down again.  
Spaghetti cooking Harm picked a couple of bottles with water out of the fridge and placed them on the table, at the same time contemplating what to do. She looked so … so lost. Then he decided to follow his instincts and walked over to her. He took her hands in his. "Hey, what's wrong?" She looked up at him, eyes incredibly sad. Giving it no further thought he opened his arms for her and she fell into them, clinging to him like it was the last thing to do. 

When the spaghetti was ready they ate. Afterwards Harm cleared away the dishes and made a cup of coffee, all the time wondering how to approach the subject. A subject he didn't even know what it was but that certainly bothered Mac. But he didn't have to. As soon he was seated too, Mac started to talk.  
"Can I ask you a personal question?"  
And when he nodded, she plunged in "Do you have a problem using condoms?"  
His eyes almost popped out of their sockets and his jaw dropped. "What?"  
Mac blushed deeply and looked like she was ready to run. Harm grabbed her hands, "O no, you dropped the bomb, now you have to pick up the fragments." Mac took a deep breath and started "Mic and I…" she freed her hands, jumped to her feet and started to pace. "From the beginning Mic had problems using protection when we made love. He says it makes him feel less, so …" She made a helpless gesture. "We fight over it, every time. Is he right?"  
Harm had to take a deep breath. His sex live wasn't something he was comfortable to discuss but for Mac he was willing to give it a try. "It is true that a man has a slight loss of feeling when using a condom. But I think the benefits outnumber the disadvantages especially for the woman. And when a woman asks you to use one, you comply. Without whining!"  
Mac sat back on the couch again, taking her mug. She held it between her hands like she needed the heat to warm herself.  
"I … a few weeks back I started to feel … not sick but … just a bit off. I blamed it on having too much on my plate, not sleeping well, a bug. But then I realised my period was delayed. I didn't think much of it at first. As I said, even as we fought about it, Mic had used protection every time. Or so I thought. But then I remembered …" she took a sip of her coffee before putting it down and starting pacing again, using the whole loft now.  
"After we returned from Alaska…" Harm nodded, it had been an exhausting trip. "After we returned from Alaska, I was so tired the only thing I wanted was sleep. I barely made it through dinner but Mic wanted to make love. I fended him off him but … Well after some discussion he backed off … or so I thought. But that morning I sensed he still had … "And I'm pretty sure he took the opportunity…" she left it to Harm to fill in the blanks.  
"Anyway, two weeks ago I realized I could be pregnant and I did a test. And I was… pregnant that is." She stood for the window, looking out. "I confronted Mic and finally he admitted he had had sex with me, unprotected." She snorted. "You better say he raped me, since I already said no and I was dead to the world."  
She walked back into the room and flopped down in a chair. "We discussed it, better said, argued about it. He wanted me to get an abortion. ASAP. He said it would damage his career. But I couldn't, I just couldn't…. even if I hadn't planned to get pregnant I could not kill the ... the baby."  
She hid her face in her hands. "Mic couldn't say 'the baby'. He always referred to it as 'it' or 'the foetus'." She looked up again, angry now. "But it was the beginning of a baby, the start of a living human being." She shrugged. "Anyway, it's of no importance anymore. I lost him. Or her." And at Harm's shocked look "Yes, I miscarried. Yesterday. And Mic was nothing but relieved and happy." She took a deep breath. "I kicked him out."  
Ham was stunned. "You broke up?"  
"Yes, I did. Mic wasn't happy with it but I don't want to see him anymore." She snorted remembering he was also a co-worker "not any more often than necessary, that is." She looked at Harm, challenging him. "You have nothing to say?" Harm could see her pain though and knew she was trying to push his buttons, to evoke a fight. Being angry, fighting was better than feeling the pain, he knew that. He had used that method more times than he wished to remember. But it was not going to work, not today.  
Slowly he shook his head. "No. Only that I'm sorry. I thought he made you happy … and I want to see you happy."  
Now Mac was at loss of words. She looked down on the fiddling hands in her lap. Harm walked over to her and crouched in front of her. "How do you feel?"  
Mac fought her tears and seeing that, Harm sat on the arm of the chair and pulled her close. She hid her face against his chest and cried softly. He let her, waiting patiently till the tears stopped. Finally she sat straight again and wiped her eyes.  
"Can we not discuss it now?" she asked shyly.  
Harm nodded. "But if you want to talk …"  
She gave hem a wobbly smile. "Thank you. For now, can we just sit and watch something, please?" He gave her a gentle squeeze and went to find the remote. 

The movie had ended and the credentials rolled over the screen when Harm noticed a soft sobbing next to him. Mac was crying again. Not knowing what to say Harm held her close and let her cry. Finally her sobs subdued and she was able to speak again "I really wanted that baby." Harm chilled to the bone.  
"You wanted Mic's baby? But how …" he whispered. It had only been a few hours ago she told them they fought about using a condom each time.  
"No," Mac cried out, confusing Harm even more.  
"I don't get it. Please explain to me," he pleaded.  
Mac rubbed her eyes. "I didn't want a baby but when I turned out to be pregnant and I had some time to get used to the idea, read about it, watched pictures on the internet, I realised I wanted that baby. Even when I …" she felt silent.  
"Even when…?" Harm prodded. For some reason he felt that what Mac was about to reveal was going to be very important. That it somehow would determine his future, their future.  
Mac didn't respond. Harm waited. A few times she opened her mouth, then closed it again.  
Finally she whispered, almost inaudibly "Even when I realized that every time I imagined my baby it had your eyes…"  
Harm sucked his breath. He hadn't seen that coming. Being at loss for words but knowing he had to do something he lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it.  
Mac gave him a faint smile. She leaned back into the cushions. They sat silently for a while until Harm asked "What's next?  
Mac shrugged. "I guess having a baby is not going to happen for the foreseeable time," she sighed.  
"We still have that deal," Harm blurted out, immediately blushing and wishing he had kept his mouth shut. No that he didn't want to honour their accord but now was certainly not the time to bring it up.  
In the meantime Mac's jaw has dropped. He still thought about that? He was still in for it? She never had imagined, never had dared to dream …  
It took her a few seconds to compose herself. Then it was her turn to blurt out a question.  
"What will you get out of it?"  
Harm took a deep breath and tried to straighten his thoughts but before he could open his mouth Mac came with another question "and what about Renée?"  
Harm knew if anything this was the time to fight. Fight for what he really wanted. He started with the last question. "Renée and I are over."  
Mac's eyes widened "Why?"  
"Failure to commit."  
Mac snorted and looked away "What's new?" but he saw the flash of disappointment in her eyes.  
"Hers and mine." That made her turn to him again.  
"We talked about it a few days ago. What we wanted from life. And then she told me she had a sterilisation.She wanted to make sure she would never have kids. She had the procedure just a few weeks before. Without telling me." The pain in his voice was evident. "She thought we could have a good life together. She wanted me to leave the navy, we could go travel, she making documentaries. She had it all planned…." He raked his hair. "I want children. I always wanted them. Imagined them. A son to teach all the things my dad wasn't able to teach me, a little daddy's girl to spoil rotten." He blinked and needed a few moments to compose himself again. Then he continued "it turned out that we wanted completely different things out of life. A family against no kids at all. The navy against a job in a posh lawyer firm. A home against travelling." Now it was his turn to snort. "The list went on and on. Basically we agreed about nothing. So we decided to break it up."  
To buy himself some time he headed for the kitchen to get some water. Back he addressed her first question. "You know I always wanted children. I don't want to just father a child; if I had wanted that I would have gone to a sperm bank and made a couple of donations. I want to be a dad. I want to give my child the time my father wasn't able to give me. I want to love and protect him, teach him the things a dad teaches his children, give him guidance…" He looked at Mac who fought her tears. She should have known he was passionate about it.  
"Back then you said you could hear your biological clock ticking. I don't know whether a man is supposed to have a biological clock…." He shook his head helplessly.  
Then he looked at her with renewed determination. "I want children, Mac, and I want them with you. I want a life with you." Mac looked at him in shock.  
Now it was Harm's turn to blush and stammer, unwillingly having more revealed then he wanted.  
"I … I want a life with you because … because I'm in love with you. I love you. But I thought I didn't stand a chance anymore so … Even though I dated Renée, I never could image her as a bride, my bride. It would never have worked. Even if we hadn't thought so differently about all those things it would not have worked out." He drew a deep breath, like a swimmer coming up for air after a deep dive. Now he was completely at her mercy.  
It took Mac a long time to respond.  
"Do you mean it?" she finally whispered.  
Harm smiled. "Yes, I do," he declared solemnly.  
"Do you think it will work with me, with us?"  
He nodded convinced. "Yes. It will. I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to make it work."  
"Why now?"  
Harm thought about it for a moment, Mac waiting in anticipation. "When we left Sidney, the admiral told me not to look back. But I did anyway and I saw Mic kissing you. And all I wanted to do was run back and tear him away from you. I didn't recognize it as jealousy, not at that moment. I told myself that I just disliked the guy: that he was cocky and arrogant, that he was not good enough for you." He blushed. "And I felt, challenged I guess, by him when he showed up here. Not only because of you … but also because he showed up at my workplace." He shrugged apologizing. "You know, two alpha males in one office… In the mean time there was Renée and you have to admit, she is an attractive woman. I felt flattered and as I said, since I thought I blew my changes with you, I figured I could just as well date her. At least it kept my mind off imagining you and Mic." He sighted. "These last days, after we had that conversation about what we wanted, I did a lot of thinking and I realized, or better said, finally admitted to myself you are the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with." He looked at her "I would never have intervened, though, if you were happy with Mic. I would have taken my loss."  
Mac was stunned. Never had she heard him talk about his feelings so openly.  
Harm waited for her to react but when she didn't, he became more and more nervous. Just when he opened his mouth Mac did a step forward and her arms snaked around his neck. "Yes," she said softly. She pressed a kiss on the hollow of his neck. "Yes to everything." Harm's breath came out in a whoosh and he pulled her into a tight hug.  
When they came up for air Harm looked at Mac. He had shared his feelings but except from her approval Mac hadn't said anything. She sensed his insecurity.  
"It wasn't just protection we fought over," she shyly started. "Each time we had a disagreement Mic mentioned you. Accused you of being the bump in the road. Either he would sneer or at least he would glare an angry look at my photos." She rubbed her temples, a headache coming up. "Do you realise how many photo's we have, of each other, of us. Both of us. I have at least seven or eight of the two of us sitting on the shelves. And none of Mic, or Mic and me. And you have, too. That does say it all, don't you think? I realised Mic was right. Every time something happened I subconsciously compared him with you. And every time you came out better." She bent back to look him in the eyes. "When we were in Sydney, I was too hurt to listen properly. I couldn't hear the 'not yet' behind the no. Back then we both made mistakes. I stored my love for you away, in a closed compartment of my heart. But it was still there. It still is." She tightened her arms around his neck, pulling him in. "I love you, too, Harm. Very much."  
She pressed her lips upon his and he was most eager to comply.  
After a few moments Mac stepped back and spoke again. "About that baby deal, we can start today." She smiled seductively to him and glanced at his bedroom.  
"Now?" Harm squeaked and then realising how that sounded, he quickly added "I mean, you just miscarried. Doesn't your body need a bit of time to heal?"  
Mac nodded, not happy at all. She didn't want to wait, she wanted him, now. But maybe he was right. Harm read her thoughts. In one long stride he was with her, taking her into his arms once more. He lifted her face to him. "What about you sleeping in my arms tonight and tomorrow you make an appointment with your OBGYN to find out when we can start working on an offspring?" He kissed her. "I want a baby, I want _your_ baby. And I want _you_! But not at the price of your health."  
She looked at him. "You are not stalling, aren't you?  
Harm thought about it for a second before answering her. "Maybe a bit. But think about it. Five days ago I was a man with a girlfriend, you a woman with a boyfriend and us being together seemed completely out of the picture, our baby deal null and void. Now we both broke up a relationship, you have been pregnant and miscarried, we are together, discussing to have a baby, planning to work on it on a short notice. Maybe I need a bit of time to process it all. I'm not tabling, I just need time to let reality sink in."  
Mac reached up to kiss him once more. "You're right. We shouldn't rush things. And I love to be in your arms tonight."  
She yawned. "In fact, I think I'm ready for bed. I hardly slept for the last few nights."  
Harm smiled and, evoking a little yelp from his adored, he scooped her up and carried her to the bedroom, placing her onto the bed. "Be my guest," he winked. 

The end


End file.
